I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
