my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
