Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
