someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
