I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
nutella sex= disaster
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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