I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I believe in your delicious
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
