Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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