No stitches, just platelets and will power
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
