Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So much Jack, so little girl.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
