Do vagina's smell?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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