All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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