in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
