she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
