Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You don't make any sense
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