mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're a waste of cheezeits
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
