it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
