Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
soo... how was my night?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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