We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
