Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
