At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
