I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
