I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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