the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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