he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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