I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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