He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
