Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
