Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
is that a dick in a sweater?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
