Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
