i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
