Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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