They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
