I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
