the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
