The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
