I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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