im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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