if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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