When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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