Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
