Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
