If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
