If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
