when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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