Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
