just survived the first fart of the relationship.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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