My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
