the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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