We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
