I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
